As my first post, I thought it would be a good idea to start at the beginning of my journey: my diagnosis. I am a two-time Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia survivor. I was diagnosed the first time at 2 1/2, went through treatment, and survived. My cancer relapsed 10 years later when I was 13. It was the summer before 8th grade. Luckily I do not remember much of my first diagnosis, but I do, unfortunately, remember almost everything about my diagnosis at 13. Being diagnosed with cancer as a teenager affected me in many ways. You can read more about me and my life now on my “About Me” page, but here I want to start talking about the journey. It is my hope that, with this blog, I can provide as much support and guidance to other teens with cancer as I can, so here I am. But, like I said, let’s start at the beginning: the diagnosis.
In my opinion, a diagnosis of cancer is like an earthquake that leaves its victims in complete shock and it devastates the lives of everyone it touches. One of the hardest parts of hearing the news was not the news itself, but the feeling of being powerless. When I was diagnosed, I was laying on an operating room table about to be put under to have a diagnostic spinal tap and bone marrow aspiration done to find out what was wrong with me. My parents were standing across from the stretcher I was on, since they had been waiting for me to go under. The anesthesiologist had his finger on the syringe and was just about to push when the pediatric oncologist came running in. Then he said the words that blew my world apart: “It’s leukemia.” Considering my previous history, my parents and I knew what that meant. That moment is crystal clear in my memory, as it will be, no doubt, for a long time. However, I cannot remember much about how I felt, nothing except for the feeling of complete and total shock. Most of what I can remember was that my parents were sad and crying, which worried me. It made me feel like doing something that could help them instead of just sitting there and feeling bad about it. In some way, I think it is important that others remember that, at that moment, you are not only thinking of your own world, you are thinking of how this will affect your friends and family. I was ready for fixing the problem and moving forward, yet I was stuck, helpless, with no idea what would happen next. Within seconds, my life had changed. It’s like a light switch turning a light off. Life, as you know it, suddenly stops, leaving you questioning the reality of the situation.
The shock that I felt from the diagnosis and its life changing impact came along with a deep sense of fear, anger, and loss. After the initial shock of the earthquake, it creates a tsunami that leaves a path of destruction in its wake. The best way I can put it is that it shakes your inner core and leaves you dazed and confused. You feel as if your world has just come crashing down on you. I know when I heard the news, I tried not to cry, even though I did. I tried to stay strong and just move forward. Now I realize, it is more important that you allow yourself time to experience your emotions, you should take it slow. Talking about those feelings is a great release. Doctors, nurses, and other members of the healthcare team are there for you, physically and emotionally. If possible, turn to your friends and family for support. You should definitely try talking about what you are going through, and your parents should make sure that you are talking and not keeping your emotions quietly tucked away. Believe me, you have to let your emotions out if you are going to stay sane and not get depressed. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of the most surreal experiences a person can go through. For me, it felt like I was in a dream and I could not wake up. Other teens I have talked to have said that it felt as if a truck ran them over, backed up, and ran them over again. No matter which way you put it, a diagnosis of cancer is unreal. Questioning the reality of the situation is normal, wondering if you are dreaming. Feeling pain and anguish is normal. It takes time before you “wake up” and realize this is the new reality. I know, for me, I went for months feeling as if I were in some kind of dream, as if it wasn’t real. It took me months to accept it as the new reality of my life and to move forward. I mean, let’s face it, when you are thrown into a hospital and given all kinds of medications the day after you were diagnosed, it’s difficult to process everything that has happened. You are thrown into this foreign world, this painful life, within hours. Try to give yourself time to accept this new reality.
In my next couple of posts I will provide more ideas and suggestions for coping techniques, many of which helped me to stay positive through such a difficult time...
In my opinion, a diagnosis of cancer is like an earthquake that leaves its victims in complete shock and it devastates the lives of everyone it touches. One of the hardest parts of hearing the news was not the news itself, but the feeling of being powerless. When I was diagnosed, I was laying on an operating room table about to be put under to have a diagnostic spinal tap and bone marrow aspiration done to find out what was wrong with me. My parents were standing across from the stretcher I was on, since they had been waiting for me to go under. The anesthesiologist had his finger on the syringe and was just about to push when the pediatric oncologist came running in. Then he said the words that blew my world apart: “It’s leukemia.” Considering my previous history, my parents and I knew what that meant. That moment is crystal clear in my memory, as it will be, no doubt, for a long time. However, I cannot remember much about how I felt, nothing except for the feeling of complete and total shock. Most of what I can remember was that my parents were sad and crying, which worried me. It made me feel like doing something that could help them instead of just sitting there and feeling bad about it. In some way, I think it is important that others remember that, at that moment, you are not only thinking of your own world, you are thinking of how this will affect your friends and family. I was ready for fixing the problem and moving forward, yet I was stuck, helpless, with no idea what would happen next. Within seconds, my life had changed. It’s like a light switch turning a light off. Life, as you know it, suddenly stops, leaving you questioning the reality of the situation.
The shock that I felt from the diagnosis and its life changing impact came along with a deep sense of fear, anger, and loss. After the initial shock of the earthquake, it creates a tsunami that leaves a path of destruction in its wake. The best way I can put it is that it shakes your inner core and leaves you dazed and confused. You feel as if your world has just come crashing down on you. I know when I heard the news, I tried not to cry, even though I did. I tried to stay strong and just move forward. Now I realize, it is more important that you allow yourself time to experience your emotions, you should take it slow. Talking about those feelings is a great release. Doctors, nurses, and other members of the healthcare team are there for you, physically and emotionally. If possible, turn to your friends and family for support. You should definitely try talking about what you are going through, and your parents should make sure that you are talking and not keeping your emotions quietly tucked away. Believe me, you have to let your emotions out if you are going to stay sane and not get depressed. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of the most surreal experiences a person can go through. For me, it felt like I was in a dream and I could not wake up. Other teens I have talked to have said that it felt as if a truck ran them over, backed up, and ran them over again. No matter which way you put it, a diagnosis of cancer is unreal. Questioning the reality of the situation is normal, wondering if you are dreaming. Feeling pain and anguish is normal. It takes time before you “wake up” and realize this is the new reality. I know, for me, I went for months feeling as if I were in some kind of dream, as if it wasn’t real. It took me months to accept it as the new reality of my life and to move forward. I mean, let’s face it, when you are thrown into a hospital and given all kinds of medications the day after you were diagnosed, it’s difficult to process everything that has happened. You are thrown into this foreign world, this painful life, within hours. Try to give yourself time to accept this new reality.
In my next couple of posts I will provide more ideas and suggestions for coping techniques, many of which helped me to stay positive through such a difficult time...
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